Worst Bollywood movies of 2011
2011 will go down as an eventful year as far as Bollywood was concerned.
We’ve seen all sorts of records being broken.
These include Salman Khan releasing two movies that shattered all-time opening week box-office numbers.
"Ra.One" establishing itself as the most expensive Bollywood movie ever made, and Shahrukh Khan conducting the world’s most elaborate Pavlovian Experiment, where you now want to slap him every time you see an ad for one of the gazillion products he endorsed this year in an effort to promote this movie.
And of course, amidst all this awesomeness, was a bunch of movies that never deserved to see the light of day.
Some were bad compared to the hype they got before their release, and others were just bad, no matter what standard you put them up against.
Presenting, in chronological order, The Vigil Idiot’s worst movies of 2011 reviewed for your viewing pleasure.
This Abhishek Bachchan starrer aimed at being a murder mystery that would have made Agatha Christie proud.
It had all the elements: four strangers summoned to a remote location by a mysterious stranger, a death under shady circumstances, and an earnest cop who tries to bust a drug smuggling cartel -- by starting a bigger drug smuggling cartel.
Yes, it’s a true wonder this story didn’t work.
The promos for "Haunted" boasted much about it being “India’s First Stereoscopic 3D Film.”
Which was ironic considering how one-dimensional the acting and the story actually was.
This film had everything from frisky ghosts to time travel. Alas! When your leading man is Mahakshay Chakraborty, the man who shows fewer emotions than a wooden board, chances are that you’re not looking at a very good piece of cinema … ghost sex, notwithstanding.
'Love U … Mr. Kalakaar!'
When I first heard that "Love U ... Mr. Kalakaar!" ("Love U... Mr. Artist!") was a movie about a guy with my namesake -- Sahil -- who also just happens to be a cartoonist, I thought to myself: "How do you rip apart what sounds like it could be your life story, right?"
Of course, that was before I saw the film.
So you know how you always wonder who will play you in the movie of your life? Take it from me, folks. You do not want that guy to be Tusshar Kapoor!
Where do I start about the cinematic behemoth that is "Murder 2"?
For one thing, it stars Emraan Hashmi donning a wet mop for a wig, with a story copied from a random foreign language film, and posters copied from other random foreign language films (sample here and here).
I could go on, but the true genius of the movie is epitomized in the following sequence.
'Gandhi To Hitler'
Ah, "Gandhi to Hitler"! Gun to head, I would pick this as both the worst movie of the year, and my favorite.
I mean, how do you not love a historical movie so factually inaccurate that it is offensive to literally every group represented in it?
We have entire sequences with Gandhi’s entourage which was, apparently, dominated by young female groupies and the Himalayas doubling up as the Swiss Alps.
The writers’ best stuff, however, was saved for ze Germans!
Speaking of my favorite movies this year, "Chitkabrey" ("Shades of Grey") would rank very high on that list.
I mean, there really is no way not to love this warped revenge saga centered on the seven deadly sins ...
"Centered on" being a term used very loosely here, because what this movie is actually centered on is unintentional laughs and some of the most amazingly bizarre sequences ever to be put on celluloid.
"Bodyguard" released this past Eid to the biggest opening of any Bollywood film ever made.
Fittingly, this Salman Khan epic beat the record formerly held by "Dabangg," another Salman Khan epic.
Of course, that isn’t a testament to the quality of his films so much as the stratospheric standards of Indian audiences, who would even flock to the theaters just to see Salman Khan flex his muscles to dhol-based music for two hours.
And let me tell you folks -- that movie would be infinitely more bearable than the interminable dross that was "Bodyguard."
"Mausam" ("Seasons") starring Shahid Kapoor and Sonam Kapoor, was an epic love story spanning a decade and three continents.
It was also a nonsensical script that could’ve prevented the central conflict of the story from ever materializing in the first place, had any one of the main characters been given the tiniest bit of common sense, or an IQ above 25.
If you were in India for any amount of time in the last half of the year, chances are you know everything there is to know about "Ra.One" (Pronounced Raavan, after the mythical supervillain).
With a promotional blitz that had Shahrukh Khan endorse everything from reality shows to F1 cars -- you couldn’t miss this movie if you tried.
Of course, this isn’t to say anything in the movie actually justified the amount of money spent on getting people to see it.
By far, the most torturous investment of US$25 million in Bollywood this year.
There’s suspension of disbelief and then there’s "Desi Boyz."
Akshay Kumar and John Abraham star as people who got into Oxford University and the London School of Economics respectively.
It also had them strut around as the best escorts in all of London, with Sanjay Dutt as their pimp.
Any one of those things would have me scoffing at the screen. But put them all together, and they explain the palm-sized imprint on my face.