Bustless bunny falls flat: Tale of a wannabe Playboy bunny

Our contributor tries to go from left image to right image.

"Bust size." 

"Wildest experience you've ever had in Macau." 

"Biggest turn ons."

Not what you would usually find on a job interview application form. 

Macau's new Playboy Club is searching for girls to become their Playboy bunnies. I am staring at the application form, dumbfounded that all the jokes I made about the search are coming true. 

In a fit of genius several weeks ago, I decided that I would go undercover as a Playboy bunny candidate and dig up all the presumed dirt that goes on behind the scenes.

My ultimate agenda was to publish an expose and establish myself as one of the intrepid, altruistic souls that can be mentioned in the same sentence as other investigative journalistic greats. I would be an edgy alternative culture version of Bob Woodward, and much better to look at.

I much prefer the good old days when “bunny hunt” only meant one thing to me -- searching for chocolate Easter bunnies in the garden.

But I can't seem to get past the application form.

"Bust size." Is there a witty way to answer this or should I just be honest about my resemblance to Kate Moss, from the neck down and the waist up? 

"Wildest experience you’ve ever had in Macau." I didn't remember much after the second glass of red I bravely swigged at the Wynn's Cinnebar last time I was in Macau. That was pretty wild.  

"Biggest turn ons." That's a no-brainer. A sense of humor, of course. My boyfriend tells great jokes. I can remember all 12 of them word for word.  

Then there's the obligatory photo. Should I opt for a girl-next-door kind of au naturel shot, or get a padded Wonderbra, shove a couple of chicken fillets down there and make love to the camera? 

This bunny business requires more thought than I expected. It doesn't seem to be in my nature to camp it up for Playboy. Who would have guessed?

I much prefer the good old days when “bunny hunt” only meant one thing to me -- searching for chocolate Easter bunnies in the garden. Easier and tastier. Perhaps also the reason I won’t be able to squeeze into a tiny bunny outfit.

Bunny 101

No fear. I believe you can learn anything from the Internet. I can teach myself to become a Playboy bunny. Wikihow's "How to be a Playboy Bunny" will do.

“The look and the lifestyle of the Playboy Bunnies is legendary. From images in film and print, who could mistake the signature ears and outfits of these ladies? If you're interested in looking and acting like a Bunny this article is for you.”

Time to get to work. 

“Step one: Have confidence.”  

No problem, as a journalist I’m used to meeting lots of people.

“Shy is kind of a turn off to guys ... and as a Bunny it's your job to turn them on, not off.” 

I'll just employ the same tricks I use as a journalist to break the ice. I'll ask men lots of questions about their work, keep on clarifying with them on all the unclear details, and really get under their skin by incessantly pointing it out each time they contradict themselves. 

Or not. 

“Step two: Be sexy. All Bunny's are sexy. This is very important. Being sexy is the key to unlock the door of becoming a Playboy Bunny.”

Right. Be sexy. Is this something that most women just intuitively do? I think I missed this class in college. Right, next Google search will be "How to be sexy."

“Step three. Wear revealing clothes. This should be done in the four major regions: Arms, legs, stomach, cleavage.”

I guess this is something that would be conducive to Step Two? Shouldn't this be within Step Two, like a sub-clause? This post needs editing. 

I fill in the application form as honestly as possible and choose a photo with my biggest and brightest grin to upload. 

An automated reply hits my email inbox soon after: “The management will be reviewing your application and will contact you if successful.”

“Phillippa if you may send us your best photos in swim wear that would be awesome. Thanks again for your interest in Playboy Club Macao.”

I gamely put on the swim wear and take a snap shot self portrait. 

One look at the photo and a cold wave of nausea washes over me. Seeing half naked me in a flourescent-lit room was the hard reality check that I needed to shake me out of this undercover-bunny fantasy.

We're not all cut out to be a convincing Playboy bunny candidate. I’ll just have to find a different story. One that allows me to wear unrevealing clothes. 

If you have more guts than me and want to take part in the competition, you can find the application form here www.playboymacao.com. You can also benefit from my research and check out these sites to help you in your quest:
www.ehow.com/how_2073366_become-playboy-bunny.html
www.explayboybunnies.com
www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Playboy-Bunny

Playboy Bunny Hunt auditions

October 15, 2010.
10 p.m. - 11:30 p.m.
6/F, Sands Macao, Largo de Monte Carlo, No 203 Macao, tel. +853 2888 3388
www.sands.com.mo