Asia’s 10 dumbest criminals of the last 10 years

Asia’s 10 dumbest criminals of the last 10 years

The thief that flushed his loot down the toilet and the burglar snared by his own sticky disguise, plus others
"I'm innocent I tells ya! Innocent see?"

While many around the world are groaning and guffawing at the 2009 Darwin awards--the most amazingly stupid ways people have killed themselves over the last year -- we thought we'd take a look back at a line-up of Asia’s most dim-witted criminals.

1. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia: Getaway car too small for heist

A lesson in the importance of planning ahead: Two Malaysians stole US$1.3 million but had to leave half of it behind because their van was too small to stash the loot. “The bags are quite big. I consider them quite stupid. Their planning was very shortsighted,” said the deputy police chief, Shakaruddin Che Mood.

2. Kemaman, Malaysia: Spirit imprisons burglar for three days

Who needs a home alarm when you’ve got a ghoul for security? A Malaysian couple returned from vacation to find a serial burglar lying on their floor, famished, dehydrated and clasping his hands in apology. The criminal insisted that after he broke into the house, a spirit blinded him and would not let him move or scream for 72 hours.

3. Hubei province, China: Robber flushes diamond rings down the toilet

Zhou broke into a wealthy home and found two huge diamond rings. He decided they were too good to be true, so, like anyone with half a brain (yes, only half) he flushed them down the toilet. The robber didn’t realize that the jewels were real until after he was caught. Poor thing was “unable to stop sighing repeatedly.”

4. Ningbo, China: Persistent burglar hides under bed for two days

Burglar Li is not one to give up easily. He snuck into a woman’s apartment and found nothing of value. So he hid under her bed for two days, surviving on the sole apple in her fridge, until she returned. Li waited until she was asleep, stole her cell and money… and was promptly arrested.

5. Laohekou, China: Drive-by robber nabs dog poo

Mrs Chen was waiting to withdraw money when her dog needed to deposit a “number two.” She wrapped up his business in newspaper and was ready to throw it away when two motorcyclists screeched to a halt, wrestled the warm package from her grasp and sped away. Police investigated the case while “laughing at the stupidity of the robbers.”

6. Shanghai, China: Man tries to avoid his nagging wife by getting arrested

29 year-old Linghua Wong decided the only way to escape his wife’s hen-pecking was by going to jail. Wong walked into a police station and lied about robbing someone, but authorities refused to believe him. He tried pointing a toy gun at a taxi driver, but the cabbie screamed and scared him away. After multiple bungles, Wong finally achieved his goal. He was locked away from his wife for four years.

7. Fujian, China: Suspect tries to avoid jail by faking a coma

The day before his trial, a suspected rapist named Chen collapsed into unconsciousness. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong until a surgeon loudly announced he was about to poke Chen with an XXL needle. The patient’s face twitched and moments later, he “miraculously” stood up.

8. Kumagaya, Japan: Bank robber asks for instructions and stabs self

A would-be robber went up to a teller and stammered, “Any idea how you rob a bank?” The staff asked the man to leave, and he meekly obeyed, but not before accidentally stabbing himself in the leg with his own knife.

9. Fukuoka, Japan: Thief caught while trying to undo his Spidey suit

A resident returned to find a man dressed as Spider Man jumping out of his house. Police nabbed him as he struggled to remove his costume, which included pink arm warmers and a woman’s swimsuit.

10. Pakistan: Passport forger busted due to spelling mistakes

Fazal Ur Rehman’s passport was a perfect copy. The only problem was the stamps had glaring spelling errors, such as “menistry” and “goverment.” The Pakistani national was sentenced to eight months in jail for forgery. I hope he used the time to study the dictionary.

For more ridiculousness, check out The Golden Turd and others: 10 unconventional statues.

La Carmina writes about Harajuku pop culture and all things spooky-cute. She is the author of three books about Japanese pop culture and food, including "Cute Yummy Time" and "Crazy Wacky Theme Restaurants: Tokyo" -- for which she did all the photos and illustrations. Both books were released in October, accompanied by a U.S. major city book tour.

For more, please visit her website.

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